i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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