I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She bit a glass in half.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
