So drunk its hurt
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
