My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
