if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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