Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Dignity is for republicans.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Randomize
