why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
