The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I love you. Go after that dick
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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