What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
