From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
