WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
