she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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