The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
