so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
