Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
