Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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