Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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