If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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