I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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