As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
