Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
