He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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