Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
where are my pants?
in the oven.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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