Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
