Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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