I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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