I wish my penis had an off switch
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
