Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
