Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
