god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
