Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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