can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
