Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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