can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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