I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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