I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
