He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
