So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
