i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
