Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Randomize
