you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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