My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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