I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
