Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
