I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I have fence marks all over my body
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
