I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize