She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
