I seem to have left my pride at pride
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
