At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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