My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
