I smell stomach acid.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
