Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
