Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
