your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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