My cat gives me a boner
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
