And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
